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Bekka is the raddest girl I know's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Bekka is the raddest girl I know

[ website | dead is dead ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[16 Mar 2003|11:09pm]
hello my name is benny.


I am a pervert.

I like to be spanked.\

I am a dirty dirty boy.

OH and I want to marry Bekka.
3 comments|post comment

[12 Jul 2002|12:11pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Agh! Brent bought me a Morrissey ticket!!!! So any of you who saw that in the brief moments that it was up, don't worry I'm going!!!

<3
benny

4 comments|post comment

[18 Jun 2002|04:53pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

please direct yourselves to loveislife

There is nothing there yet as I'm working on the design, but please add my new name as a friend. Soon I will have all the information up and this time with a much more detailed biography.

Take care friends,
Benny

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[16 Jun 2002|01:04am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

My Top Ten For The Next Fucking Year

1) Seeing Submission Hold Live
2) Seeing Submission Hold Live
3) Seeing Submission Hold Live
4) Seeing Submission Hold Live
5) Seeing Submission Hold Live
6) Seeing Remains Of The Day Live
7) Seeing Remains Of The Day Live
8) Seeing Remains Of The Day Live
9) Seeing Remains Of The Day Live
10) Seeing Remains Of The Day Live

I got to hang out with Bekka and Micah and the adorable Anna. I love these kids to death and I can't wait to hang out with them more.

I also met Amanda, reddawl, who was really sweet but I didn't talk to because I'm super shy and stupid.

Man I had such a great time. I'm so glad I went. It helped take my mind off of things for now.

My favorite quote of the moment:

Graham, cherishlife, "For some reason I thought Damad had female vocals, I guess not."
Me, "Dude, the singer for Damad IS a girl, burly eh?"
Graham, "No way, that's insane!"

Ah man, thank you so much friends and music.

Life can hand you such shit and then a moment of beauty breaks through the darkness and just makes you remember exactly why life is so wonderful.

Matt, losinghand, you missed a good show man! No worries though, they'll play again. Let me know how Botch went. Maybe you can come down for the Yaphet Kotto / Calvary show? Or the Assistant, Against Me!, Arroyo Seco, Funeral Diner show?

Jamie, jamie_miller, the root beer song rules! They were all out of the almighty Henry Weinhard's so I had to settle for A&W but it's still root beer! Root Beer Core! Anyway, email me, I need to talk with you and I remember you switched your email.

-benny

8 comments|post comment

[14 Jun 2002|02:36pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I really apologize for this but two people sent me codes for LJ and I have since misplaced them since it took me awhile to figure out the name I wanted to use. If one of you could send me it again or anyone else I would appreciate it.

I really want to thank everyone for their support. It is very difficult to deal with. I was feeling "better" I guess and now I woke up feeling horrible. I know that that is supposed to be expected. It will spiral, some days I will miss him more than others. His girlfriend, Meghan, sent me an email this morning and that was very hard to read. She has been so strong in the face of this tragedy and I hope she can continue to do so. I knew Alex well and I loved him but never in the sense that Meghan did and I know that she has a very trying time ahead of her. The last thing Alex said to me was that once I was ready he and Meghan would come visit me. Now I'll never get that chance and right now it's the one thing I would have wanted more than anything.

It's strange how this has affected everyone. I mean Alex lived in Syracuse and I, in Oregon. Some people may scratch their heads and wonder how this could be hitting me so hard if we had what appeared to be such a passive relationship. The thing is is that it is only passive when one cannot predict the physical interaction that would take place outside of this medium. I could predict it. I knew Alex was real and I knew that if we did get that chance to meet there would be no transition from between both mediums.

The difficulty isn't in the aspect of death but rather that it was Alex who died. Alex was only 24 years old and was the most beautiful person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was there for me since day one and I for him. We could see "it" within each other, that thing that you can sense, the reality in someone.

It's very comforting to know that through Alex's illness he adopted a mature outlook on life. Alex was true to himself and therefore lived the life he wanted every day. Maybe Alex was aware of the prospect of death since he came so close several times throughout his life. I'm not sure, but I know that with Alex's life there are no regrets. As Aesop Rock put it:

"Look, I've never had a dream in my life
Because a dream is what you wanna do, but still haven't pursued.
I knew what I wanted and did it 'til it was done
So I've been the dream that I wanted since day one."

Alex I love you and I miss you. I'll never forget you. You will be an inspiration of what I can truly achieve if I follow my dreams. And some day I hope to be part of a star near you in the sky. Goodbye dear friend.

"if you hear this i hope it eases some troubles you left with i'm not sure what to say but i think i would've known that last day you said you had the goals to come out on top to set you up to live untouched by all the things that kept you from keeping up then we heard and we hurt and we scorned we burned for last words now lost the silence we sat through the breakdown the laughter the shelter and the future you planned on-i'll miss them i hope you're in a better place with soul set free i hope you're still singing loud with soul set free too bad you're not around for us to see but i still feel you around like you never left us"

Hot Water Music - Minno

<3
benny

6 comments|post comment

[12 Jun 2002|06:17pm]


Rest In Peace Alex.



One of my dearest friends passed away this morning from a stroke, that was probably related to his CF. It's tragic. He was only 24. I can't hardly type right now. Alex was one of the most sincere, loveable, sweetest people I ever encountered in my life and I absolutely cannot make sense of any of this.

Alex, I miss you so much already and I would give my fucking worthless life just so you could have one more day... one more hour. Just knowing that your gone makes my life feel absolutely empty and without merit. I love you so much kid. I miss you.

I just wanted to let people know that I won't be answering emails for as long as it takes to get me through this. I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

I'm trying to hold back my tears knowing that Alex would have wanted me to live my life and not be hurt over this. He would want me out riding my bike or sitting in the shade of a tree but just knowing he can't be there with me makes it hurt so bad. So fucking bad.

I am absolutely dead inside.

[12 Jun 2002|01:30am]
[ mood | tired ]

I always ask people what their top 5/10 albums are but then they ask me and oddly enough I don't have an answer. So I will do so now. Please tell me what yours are, I'm interested in knowing!

These aren't in order of importance, just so you know....

01) Fugazi - Repeater
02) Sunny Day Real Estate - LP2
03) Saetia - Self Titled LP
04) Rites Of Spring - End On End
05) Lifetime - Jersey's Best Dancers / Hello Bastards
06) His Hero Is Gone - 15 Counts Of Arson
07) The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead
08) Assück - Anticapital / Misery Index (These interchange too)
09) Stereolab - Emperor Tomato Ketchup
10) Four Hundred Years - Transmit Failure
11) Morrissey - Viva Hate
12) Yaphet Kotto - The Killer Was In Government Blankets
13) Jawbreaker - 24 Hour Revenge Therapy
14) Portraits Of Past - Self Titled Ep
15) You And I - Within The Frame
16) Nation Of Uylsses - Plays Pretty For Baby
17) Hum - Downward Is Heavenward
18) Reversal Of Man - Revolution Summer
19) Honeywell - Self Titled LP
20) Current - Coliseum

(oh man I know I'll look back on this tomorrow and say "agh i forgot X band!)

HIP HOP

01) Boogie Down Productions - By All Means Necessary
02) Public Enemy - It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back
03) A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders / Low End Theory
04) De La Soul - Buhloone Mindstate / 3 Feet High And Rising
05) Freestyle Fellowship - To Whom It May Concern
06) Atmosphere - Overcast!
07) Digable Planets - Reachin'
08) Gangstarr - Hard To Earn / Daily Operation / Moment Of Truth
09) The Roots - Do You Want More? / Things Fall Apart
10) Wu-Tang Clan - Enter The 36 Chambers
11) Aceyalone - A Book Of Human Language
12) EPMD - Strictly Business
13) Mos Def - Black On Both Sides / Black Star / Reflection Eternal (I know I know they aren't the same but shut up)
14) cLOUDDEAD - 3xLP
15) Del The Funky Homosapien - No Need Need For Alarm / Both Sides Of The Brain
16) Outkast - ATLiens / Aquemini
17) El-P - Fantastic Damage (Okay it's a little early to be putting this on a favorites list but man, just listen to it... mindblowing)
18) Souls Of Mischief - 93 'Til Infinity
19) Pharcyde - Bizarre Ride II
20) Aesop Rock - Labor Days

Man I'd do a jazz one but I'm too tired. I'll add it tomorrow.

<3
benny

17 comments|post comment

[11 Jun 2002|10:11pm]
[ mood | HOOOOOOOT! ]

Imagine this scene. Me in the kitchen feeding my cats. My mom turns on her praise cd's and as I'm putting the plates down for the cats I hear a cheeky chorus and

Jesus I Want To Blow You Off

Uh, yeah I was confused too. I have no idea what they could have really been saying. Maybe they really want to get extra brownie points with god?

Haha okay that's terrible.

-------------------------------------
Unintended Sexual Connotations
-------------------------------------

I kneed you in the butt
After I kneed my sister in the butt because she wouldn't move

I rammed him with my thingy
Telling my sister that I accidentally hit a kid with my 6 pack of root beer and not being able to come up with the right words

Just shove it in and move it up and down
Instructions to my sister on how to get the seat belt mechanism to work

I should just ram him from behind
My thoughts on reacting to the asshole in an SUV that blew smoke out his window and back into my car

If You Don't Like Assück, Then I Don't Like You





<3
benny
4 comments|post comment

[11 Jun 2002|08:30pm]
[ mood | HOOOOOOOT! ]

I really hate when I upset someone. It ruins my whole day, even if I didn't do it on purpose and even if that person forgives me or will forgive me. I just feel awful.

It's really warm outside. I think I'm going to go outside and engage in a rigorous match of uno with the sis.

I went scoping out dumpsters. I really question the validity of wanting to dive as I'm privileged enough to pay for my own food and necessities. But I know that I will not live in this house for my whole life, and hopefully not for much longer. I will be moving into the city and will need to rely on myself. It just seems to me that it is too easy for kids to read evasion and think how "cool" it is to dive and have no ethical value base for doing so. But I look at it as a way to avoid as much work as possible which is a goal everyone should work towards. We should enrich our lives with art and music and love, not sitting behind a register. There is nothing wrong with work that has either a) value to the community or b) value to humanity. Anything else is just superfluous nonsense.

The problem with the dumpsters close to me is that they are in corrals. The corrals themselves aren't the problem as I can jump them and then just jump on top of the dumpsters and hop out when I'm done, but my saying "Uh, just looking for rabbit food." Probably isn't going to cut it when confronted inside of a locked dumpster corral. Oh well. I bought some of the red automotive lens repair stuff to tape over a flashlight so that it doesn't make it as noticeable. I need to find my gloves though...

I also view diving as an adventure. Which my life is lacking right now. While it is a statement against excessive lifestyles and over consumption, I think there's more to it in the thrill of it and just having fun.

I pretty much broke that thread about homosexuality in the indiexiankids community. I didn't mean to it's just that some of my comments were so long that it takes forever to load now haha. It's up to 49 replies I think :).

I went to watch Insomnia. Movie was excellent and highly recommend. Don't expect a edge of your seat thriller, it's the characters that make the movie so intriguing. Absolutely beautiful character acting. Great cinematography. Just a great movie all around.

What wasn't great was sitting through 10+ minutes of ads and previews. I certainly don't want to sit through commercials while I'm trying to enjoy a piece of cinema and I REALLY don't want to sit through a fucking Marine's recruitment scam. You wonder why with our already huge military budget, do they need to make 40,000 (edited to correct 40 million to 40 thousand. Although I'm sure they have a very large advertising budget over 40 million) advertisements. I'd much rather see that money go to improving school systems or welfare than to fucking try and scam people into joining the military. You want to know why they have to offer college grants, money, schooling, flashy commercials showing that being in the military involves pride and dedication, promises of positive social status etc. to get people to join the military? BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD JOIN IF THEY DIDN'T!!! That's why they made a little thing called the draft. Because nobody wants to die for their government's causes. Military isn't fun, it isn't hip. I'm so sick of being mailed recruitment fliers and young men dressed in uniform giving me free posters, pens, flashlights if I just sign their mailing list.

The few, the proud, the deceived.

I'm looking forward to seeing Submission Hold and Remains Of The Day. I'm super nervous. Maybe I'll just play with Anna the whole time because I'm pretty sure she won't care if I talk or not.

Actually maybe I should just have fun and not worry about things, no? It's going to be a beautiful day with awesome music and awesome food. Unfortunately TJ and Hil can't come :(. But that's okay, that gives me more time to be acquainted with Micah and Bekka.

<3
benny

3 comments|post comment

[10 Jun 2002|01:38pm]
[ mood | ready to go outside. ]

Having fun with people on LJ

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=indiexiankids&itemid=118617

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=yahwehyouth&itemid=7782

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=indiexiankids&itemid=117392

And to any of you who are from either, indiexiankids or yahwehyouth, don't freak out. I'm just having fun and I'll leave you alone now...

It's beautiful outside! Go out and enjoy the sun.

<3
benny

7 comments|post comment

[10 Jun 2002|12:59am]
[ mood | tired ]

This is pure gold.

So there's a 16 year old pro lifer kid, natewillsheets, that is over the top ridiculous and this, anti_choicer, is a journal making fun of him. it helps to read both journals but it's funny regardless. Great stuff.

Someone also showed me this, carlalikewhoa. Read through some of the entry. This girl talks about how she feels like she's putt putting in her Mercedes while her dad drives his Lamborghini and her brother is driving the Supra. Also mentioned are weekly pedicures and new handbag purchases. This is straight out of Clueless.

I'm going to see Submission Hold and Remains Of The Day. Holy shit. I'm excited and I get to meet, spacejunk, Bekka, and I get to meet her adorable daughter Anna and Micah, spittingblack, again. Hopefully TJ, loveasarson, and Hil, hilaryhilary, will be there. I'm nervous.... But shit man, Submission Hold AND Remains Of The Day?

I had a fun night tonight playing UNO with my sister outside watching the sunset. We talked about how we were going to join the protest at Mr Peeps (a local porn store) with signs that read "Freedom Of Speech! Only When We Like What You Have To Say!" and "Honk If You Love Porn" I imagine we will disrupt their petty protest and have fun too (or get our asses kicked!

Did you know that I actually thought dumpster diving was a sport of sorts? Or a form of entertainment? Yes, I did. I scoped out some dumpsters and I'll see what I can find. I'm going to see if we have any of that translucent red plastic that I can put over the flashlight. I need to find my gloves too. There's a dumpster behind the church. I wonder what a church throws away?

-benny

9 comments|post comment

[08 Jun 2002|01:30pm]
I will live the life that I love and stop at nothing to remove all obstacles from acheiving this goal. I define life, I define love.

Sincerely,
________
1 comment|post comment

[08 Jun 2002|01:14pm]
[ mood | sad ]

why do we search so hard to find happiness? we can find it through simple observation and analysis of our reactions. why do we always look for it through the veil of culture / history, when it should be completely independent from culture and history? we say, "i enjoy this, but it is impossible in accordance with my life." why? what dictates our lives for us? should we not be critical of anything that stands in the way of our happiness?

people forget that culture and history are naturally fused. that we can examine why our culture is the way it is simply by examining the past. we also forget that our culture is not concrete and is not irreversible. what if all the history books were burned tonight? would we be lost? then i say burn all the history books because we have forgotten how to live. if we destroy the past then we must start over and maybe the things we take as natural will not seem so. maybe we will reacquaint ourselves with the feeling we garner from watching a sunrise, our first kiss, the way our hearts skipped a beat when we listened to our favorite record for the first time, the way it feels to laugh without care, waking up to a sunny day, falling asleep to rain pounding on our windows, riding a bike with the wind blowing through our hair as though the cars surrounding us didn't exist. maybe, just maybe, we can learn how to live again.

people say i think too much. i think they are right. i get depressed when i start to think critically. i'm not sure if this is in regards to what i think about, how i think about it, or what. unfortunately, there is no easy remedy as i can hardly tell myself to just stop thinking. i've heard alcohol works but that isn't an option either. maybe i just need someone to talk about the things on my mind with. but most everyone i know probably thinks i'm crazy. i'm not "grounded in reality." my ideas are perverse but my idea is their reality is perverse.

the other night i rode my bike up to 185th. they just recently widened the road which i suppose was a blessing in the disguise of a hideous monstrosity. a bike lane has been added all the way down to 185th as well as a nice path alongside the road. previously it was quite hazardous to ride down 185th as there was no bike lane and absolutely no room on the side of the road for non motorized traffic. the path on the side of the road was terrible. it's unfortunate that it had to come at the cost of expanding for urban sprawl but it opens 185th to my bike and i. regardless, i road my bike and had an amazing time. some steep hills providing me with a few moments of sounds being distorted as they whistled past me. it was intimidating to ride in the bike lane on 185th and have cars whizzing by me. i secretly wished them all rusted in a pile in a permanent graveyard that would give home to all the animals that they have killed over the years. i had trouble making it up some hills and had to take frequent coasting breaks, but still i made it... even though my legs felt dead and useless.

i then ate dinner. vegetarian chili on top of baked potatoes. i am trying to eliminate things like margarine from my diet. it's a terrible thing and is not only unhealthy but also unnecessary. try eating your favorite vegetable without drowning it in margarine / butter. it makes it so much more enjoyable. also, never eat while watching television (don't watch television in the first place). we are so accustomed to trying to fit extra activities outside of work that we destroy the pleasure of the individual activity. enjoy your food, don't just shove it down your throat.

i picked some snow peas from the garden and steamed them. ate them plain and enjoyed their sweet taste without the hinderance of butter or salt. i was sitting out on the deck enjoying the cool evening, watching the sun set ever so slowly, observed my cats as they chased bugs and weaved in between my legs calling my attention to their desires to be stroked. it was wonderful and it made me sad to think of all the days i had sat around watching tv, alone, away from friends and family. sitting in front of a television and wasting time away, paying attention neither to my food nor the television.

there is a mexican family up the street from me that can usually be seen sitting out on the driveway in rickety chairs and enjoying each others company, usually until quite late into the night. i wish more people engaged in this activity. affirming relationships with closeness and interaction. why do we separate ourselves within our rooms, behind tv screens, within our cars?

why do people complain so much about the zine scene or the punk scene? as if the hollow laws that govern them must govern us as well. if we love to play the music, then why not play it for ourselves? if we love to write, why not write what we love? if someone is going to purchase your zine because it's the one "everyone is talking about" then you have lost nothing. if someone purchases your record because it's the hip band, does that devalue the music any? of course not. we do not let our lives be ruled by the silly values of high school, why do we do the same within the zine scene or punk scene? as a matter of fact, why recognize "scenes" at all? support true expression and not idolization or misinformed hierachal values. let no one but ourselves define our art.

i want to feel arms around me. i want to escape my thoughts through love not addiction, and if it must be addiction than addiction to love.

i am frightened of intimacy. i am so used to my thoughts, my music, and an empty bed. how would i deal with lying face to face, my thoughts not being trapped in my head anymore, the touch of a hand on my face, the feeling of skin against skin. crying against a shoulder. would it heal the pain quicker? or would i still hide everything? i'm scared that my eyes will tell everything and i won't be able to keep things back. i'm scared of the resevoir of emotions held in for years being opened.

i'm afraid.

i wish i wasn't.

maybe her touch would make that all go away. or maybe it would just reaffirm it all.

i need you, her, something to cry to, to beg to, to love, to cherish, to smile with, to embrace.... forgive me forgive me... i'm done being sorry.

goals

-watch insomnia
-finish following
-tell anyone that hates bike purists to eat shit
-not be scared of my feelings anymore
-keep up with my friends
-stop thinking so much about things and start living
-finish cleaning my room
-interact with my family more
-find someone that will stop my heart from beating so fast and my mind from racing
-finish the fountainhead
-tell everyone how great the new city of caterpillar is
-destroy tradition and replace non-descript "hims" with "hers" (A human must accept his her lot in life).


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is an experiment. I want everyone to participate. List 10 things that make you happy. Do not view it through cultural values but rather your sensations and reactions. If you comment on only one journal entry, please let it be this one. I want everyone to see it. This in no way has to be a list of importance, just list the first things that come to mind that make you truly happy. Do not worry about sounding cliche but also do not be held to cliches. Do not feel confined to 10 and don't feel the need to come up with 10 if you cannot. Please do not be afraid to participate.

1) Music (creation, consumption, dispersion)
2) Books / Zines (thought processes, mind expansion)
3) My cats. Sometimes I think we could learn so much from cats.
4) Nature. The smell, the visual, the peacefulness...
5) That moment when you forget everything that's troubling you, as if it has all fallen beneath your feet.
6) Friends / Family (increasing interaction and closeness)
7) Being accepted for who you are and not feeling the necessity to act one way or another to please anyone. Knowing that you are accepted as you are and are appreciated as you are.
8) Falling asleep to the ocean's waves pounding the beach.
9) Being able to be open with my friends, my friends being open with me.
10) Grass underneath my feet / body. Looking up through the trees....

Take care all.

<3
benny

16 comments|post comment

[05 Jun 2002|10:58pm]
[ mood | heartache ]

"To each his own."
"You make fun of mullets."
"Okay. To each his own, except in regards to mullets."

Yeah I'm mean.

I have a ton to write about. If you have anything to add to what Mark, ifoughtinawar, and I are talking about please feel free. I know these LJ's give such a passive nature and I'm having such a fucking hard time keeping up with all my friend's journals and it's easy to read it and say "hey... i think this and that." and then move on to the next entry. But that's what this is all about. Communication! How can we learn from each other if we don't interact and share ideas?

So what's this I hear about some pro life legislationing trying to get passed? Anyone got any info?

Okay. I'm off to bed. Hopefully feeling better tomorrow.

Get out and ride a bike. Fuck cars.

Oh and listen to Assuck.

-benny

4 comments|post comment

[05 Jun 2002|11:16am]
[ mood | time for bed. ]

This is just a reply to Mark, ifoughtinawar, but I thought it was important enough to put up here.

No I get exactly what you are saying. This whole thing is turning 180 degrees for Bush. (Un)fortunately, this isn't Vietnam and we have avoided a lot of casualties. For Americans it only matters if our own are dying out there. That's why so many "normal" Americans joined the civil rights / feminist / anti war circles, because they saw that so many Americans were dying for what was an absolutely useless cause. I think now they just view it as "as long as we aren't losing our guys, then bomb the hell out of them, who cares?" They don't know that innocent people are dying, they don't know that because all they see are images of Palestinian suicide bomb attacks which are media is excessively using to justify our presence. Now that India and Pakistan are on the verge of nuclear war because of shit we stirred up, maybe people will take notice, maybe they can pry themselves away from their microwaves, cell phones, and big screen tv's for just a minute and say "What the fuck is really going on?"

I've always stated that convenience is a vice. I actually have a mock "ad" I'm making for my zine with one of those old ads advertising the microwave with the words "What was the suicide rate before microwaves?" I really have no idea what the suicide rate was (I'll find out before I print it) but the point is to get people thinking. Not to stop using microwaves, but to think of how these things instrinsic within American culture contribute to / devalue life. Americans are so used to riding around in gas guzzling cars because it's easier. Because if you ride a bus you have to sit with OTHER people and riding a bike actually takes work. They don't know how rewarding both options are. They don't know the value of cooking your food over zapping it in a microwave and quite frankly, they aren't really allowed to. Our culture is always saying "look straight ahead and keep going, someday you'll get XXX (whatever "dream" the American culture has instilled in us) if you just keep moving. That's why fast food is so popular in America. It's a little more expensive sure, but it's fast and you don't have to do a thing. You don't have to miss the new episode of Friends.

I'm guilty of using convenience. Thanks to the internet I have found myself hardly ever writing letters or sending packages which really fucking sucks. I can just talk to my friends online while I'm talking to 5 other people and that really sucks. I use a car to get to a grocery store that's a 12 minute ride on my bike.

It's scary to think of American culture's lethargy, it's geared toward making as little work as possible for humans. It all started when we started planting more food than we needed. Suddenly one farmer says "Wow, I've got two extra fields that I've never used because one field provided my family and my neighbors with enough food, but now that I can trade food for goods, think of how much I can get if I plant in all three fields!" Then came the machines to be able to produce faster and produce more. Now we're spinning down this hill gaining this momentum and we can't stop to look behind us and see how we got here, examine it and see if it really IS the right way. To see that the destruction we're causing rolling down this hill might not be good and really isn't necessary for "advancement."

It really stresses one out but hey, I got my mom to admit that the CIA and FBI had something to do with 9/11. That's a start. I've got her mind ticking about why this large piece of pristine forestland has a for sale sign in front of it. She's the last person you would ever think to open her mind to these things.We have to live our lives by example. We can't force people to change, they have to make that decision for themselves and seeing positive role models for that is going to be the catalyst. We also have to realize the root causes of why environmental destruction, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, classism, animal abuse, etc. etc. happen. You can't be hacking at branches you have to chop at the root, as the saying goes. We have to teach people that unregulated capitalism is destructive to humanity and there ARE other choices.

I think a really good starting place would be the peace marches that are going to be growing and growing because they will attract more diverse groups of people. I think that this could lead up to another 60 era's activism and to me, that's really exciting. Too many people are fed up with this bullshit government and now that this shit is hitting the fan the admirable little chimp is looking more and more like the unqualified asshole that he is. Seeing an army official denounce the president and risk expulsion is inspiring. I hope we see more and more of this dissidence. I hope it unifies the people more than the commodifying of the American flag ever could have.

<3
benny

3 comments|post comment

This man is my hero [04 Jun 2002|10:40pm]
[ mood | time for bed. ]

http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/06/04/colonel.suspended.ap/index.html

it's nice to see that people are finally taking off their 9/11 blinders and seeing that not only is bush jr waging his own terrorism without any success, he was also very likely knowledgeable of the events before 9/11 and took absolutely no decisive action. And I thought the 200+ he murdered in Texas was bad....

You know shit's going down when my mother demotes the CIA for being corrupt. It's so funny that she can acknowledge that but then can't possibly conceive of the fact that Bush Jr. and the FBI were involved.

Wow Georgie, that approval rating is going downhill, what are you going to do now?

I have been riding my bike everyday now in hopes of building up buff biker muscles. It's getting easier each day to go farther, which feels good. There's nothing like having the wind blow at your face and feeling utterly free. Fuck cars.

I told Charisma, cityskyline, that there should be a mandatory cultural diversity class. None of this bullshit Americanized, white washed garbage that is in our history textbooks. No more comparing other cultures to the American way of life, but rather respecting and admiring and LEARNING FROM each. Don't you think that's a little more important than taking a second year of algebra? How many times have you ever used an algebraic equation outside of school? I love math but come on... There are far more important things to focus on.

I am feeling wary and hopeful of things at the same time. I hate how any little health problem will take me out of commission. Why do I worry so much about this stuff? I need to take better care of my body anyway.

I will be starting a different project and putting my main zine on hold. I realized that for a long time what was keeping me back was my mental illnesses and the fact that right now my mental illnesses ARE my life. Or atleast a very big portion of them. So I'm going to write a one shot about my mental illnesses. It will include my struggles, my triumphs, things I've learned about how to overcome them, a general outline of depression and anxiety related illnesses, and resources for finding further information. I hope in a way it will be cathartic for me and a great release from the stigma of wanting to hide my illnesses. I also want it to be a resource for people just learning of similar illnesses to be able to know that they aren't alone and that their problems are cureable (one of the greatest things I ever found out was that I wasn't alone in this. That I wasn't crazy. I hope this zine will do the very same for some people too, even just one person. I also hope to have it as a resource for people that currently have a similar illness to no only educate themselves but also to have information to show to others that, as is so common, just cannot comprehend it (yes I will express specifically how saying "why don't you just cheer up" is one of the most stupid and hurtful things you can say to someone with depression). I'm still kind of nervous about writing everything down since I haven't full healed from everything yet. I'm worried that I may not be the best example for people but I hope my honesty and sincerity will be some sort of basis for credibility. If anything it will be a release for me, anything beyond that is just a very wonderful bonus.

It will be called "Fuck The Thinking That They're Living Some" and "Shafts Of Light In The Darkest Of Corners" Yes, two names for one zine. No you don't get to know why yet ;).

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive and still struggling and still hoping with all my heart.

Riding my bike today was just the realization of beauty that I needed at this time in life. When everything looks bleak and you feel like quitting, you have to walk out and find those things that are around you. Chances are you want have to walk far, or even walk at all.

Dance
Sing
Scream
Love
Live

<3
benny

6 comments|post comment

[01 Jun 2002|02:05am]
[ mood | tired ]

this is sickening.

http://www.cnn.com/2002/LAW/05/31/scotus.net.worth.ap/index.html

-benny

2 comments|post comment

[28 May 2002|05:41pm]
[ mood | headache ]

There's a spirited discussion regarding human attraction in the post below the one below this one (ha!). Please join in.

I'm really disappointed that NOBODY has Universal Order Of Armaggedon on their interests.

I also finally got around to adding the last people on my list that I needed to. My friends list is getting heavy so I hope you write really well because I do indeed read all my friends posts plus all the communities I'm in!

I, Robot discography should be out today I think!!!

<3
benny

9 comments|post comment

[28 May 2002|01:06pm]
[ mood | still tired ]

Hey kids. I'm on the Michael Moore mailing list and I just got the newest email from Michael. It's about his new film "Bowling For Columbine" (the title is in reference to the fact that the two gunmen that attacked the students at Columbine went bowling the night before. The media blamed "violent" video games like Doom and gothic music for the violence. Michael Moore's query is, why not blame bowling!?)

Apparently his film is going over extremely well and I'm so excited for it's release. I urge everyone to go out and support it. If you haven't seen his past films, Roger & Me and The Big One. Go out and rent them (from an independent video store!) or steal a copy from corporate stores. Check your library as well. Or ask me and I can tape you a copy! I think it's really important that things like this get seen and heard, especially to a mass market. Michael isn't perfect. A lot of people idolize him for his stance and humor and unwillingness to back down to pressure from corporations (or even risk getting arrested after exposing them!), but it's questionable as to why he has chosen to stay with a corporate book seller even after his already solid fan base.

Anyway, please read this and then go out and support it when it comes out. I can assure you that you will not be disappointed.

Michael Moore On Bowling For ColumbineCollapse )

4 comments|post comment

[28 May 2002|12:23am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I have a big favor to ask of anyone that is reading this. Tell me HONESTLY what you think of my writing. Please please be honest. Tell me what you don't like about my journal.

I don't really know if I can change my writing. I don't want to. I was told tonight that my entries are too long. I can fix that without doing anything to the initial integrity of the writing.

Is it too dry? Too political? Would you like to hear more personal stuff from me? About my life and my thoughts outside of politics? Does my personal stories about my illnesses depress you? Or make you sad or any other negative feelings?

It's very hard for my depression and anxiety to not color my writing because both are such a huge part in my life and my journal is usually a place where I vent, so I say "fuck all this" but then you don't see later how I am feeling better and more relaxed because then I can concentrate on living again and don't feel the need to outlet those emotions.

Basically I'm just worried that my writing fucking sucks. Main reason why my zine hasn't come out yet.

I'm not charming or witty or humorous like a lot of zinewriters.

I want to have people's input so I can improve my writing and put it to use in the new journal.

Okay I'm going to stop before I start writing self depreciating shit about myself.

Oh and another thing that will change is that I'm not going to swear so much in my new journal.

Thank you so much and again BE HONEST! I can take criticism!

<3
benny

14 comments|post comment

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