why do we search so hard to find happiness? we can find it through simple observation and analysis of our reactions. why do we always look for it through the veil of culture / history, when it should be completely independent from culture and history? we say, "i enjoy this, but it is impossible in accordance with my life." why? what dictates our lives for us? should we not be critical of anything that stands in the way of our happiness?
people forget that culture and history are naturally fused. that we can examine why our culture is the way it is simply by examining the past. we also forget that our culture is not concrete and is not irreversible. what if all the history books were burned tonight? would we be lost? then i say burn all the history books because we have forgotten how to live. if we destroy the past then we must start over and maybe the things we take as natural will not seem so. maybe we will reacquaint ourselves with the feeling we garner from watching a sunrise, our first kiss, the way our hearts skipped a beat when we listened to our favorite record for the first time, the way it feels to laugh without care, waking up to a sunny day, falling asleep to rain pounding on our windows, riding a bike with the wind blowing through our hair as though the cars surrounding us didn't exist. maybe, just maybe, we can learn how to live again.
people say i think too much. i think they are right. i get depressed when i start to think critically. i'm not sure if this is in regards to what i think about, how i think about it, or what. unfortunately, there is no easy remedy as i can hardly tell myself to just stop thinking. i've heard alcohol works but that isn't an option either. maybe i just need someone to talk about the things on my mind with. but most everyone i know probably thinks i'm crazy. i'm not "grounded in reality." my ideas are perverse but my idea is their reality is perverse.
the other night i rode my bike up to 185th. they just recently widened the road which i suppose was a blessing in the disguise of a hideous monstrosity. a bike lane has been added all the way down to 185th as well as a nice path alongside the road. previously it was quite hazardous to ride down 185th as there was no bike lane and absolutely no room on the side of the road for non motorized traffic. the path on the side of the road was terrible. it's unfortunate that it had to come at the cost of expanding for urban sprawl but it opens 185th to my bike and i. regardless, i road my bike and had an amazing time. some steep hills providing me with a few moments of sounds being distorted as they whistled past me. it was intimidating to ride in the bike lane on 185th and have cars whizzing by me. i secretly wished them all rusted in a pile in a permanent graveyard that would give home to all the animals that they have killed over the years. i had trouble making it up some hills and had to take frequent coasting breaks, but still i made it... even though my legs felt dead and useless.
i then ate dinner. vegetarian chili on top of baked potatoes. i am trying to eliminate things like margarine from my diet. it's a terrible thing and is not only unhealthy but also unnecessary. try eating your favorite vegetable without drowning it in margarine / butter. it makes it so much more enjoyable. also, never eat while watching television (don't watch television in the first place). we are so accustomed to trying to fit extra activities outside of work that we destroy the pleasure of the individual activity. enjoy your food, don't just shove it down your throat.
i picked some snow peas from the garden and steamed them. ate them plain and enjoyed their sweet taste without the hinderance of butter or salt. i was sitting out on the deck enjoying the cool evening, watching the sun set ever so slowly, observed my cats as they chased bugs and weaved in between my legs calling my attention to their desires to be stroked. it was wonderful and it made me sad to think of all the days i had sat around watching tv, alone, away from friends and family. sitting in front of a television and wasting time away, paying attention neither to my food nor the television.
there is a mexican family up the street from me that can usually be seen sitting out on the driveway in rickety chairs and enjoying each others company, usually until quite late into the night. i wish more people engaged in this activity. affirming relationships with closeness and interaction. why do we separate ourselves within our rooms, behind tv screens, within our cars?
why do people complain so much about the zine scene or the punk scene? as if the hollow laws that govern them must govern us as well. if we love to play the music, then why not play it for ourselves? if we love to write, why not write what we love? if someone is going to purchase your zine because it's the one "everyone is talking about" then you have lost nothing. if someone purchases your record because it's the hip band, does that devalue the music any? of course not. we do not let our lives be ruled by the silly values of high school, why do we do the same within the zine scene or punk scene? as a matter of fact, why recognize "scenes" at all? support true expression and not idolization or misinformed hierachal values. let no one but ourselves define our art.
i want to feel arms around me. i want to escape my thoughts through love not addiction, and if it must be addiction than addiction to love.
i am frightened of intimacy. i am so used to my thoughts, my music, and an empty bed. how would i deal with lying face to face, my thoughts not being trapped in my head anymore, the touch of a hand on my face, the feeling of skin against skin. crying against a shoulder. would it heal the pain quicker? or would i still hide everything? i'm scared that my eyes will tell everything and i won't be able to keep things back. i'm scared of the resevoir of emotions held in for years being opened.
i wish i wasn't.
maybe her touch would make that all go away. or maybe it would just reaffirm it all.
i need you, her, something to cry to, to beg to, to love, to cherish, to smile with, to embrace.... forgive me forgive me... i'm done being sorry.
-tell anyone that hates bike purists to eat shit
-not be scared of my feelings anymore
-keep up with my friends
-stop thinking so much about things and start living
-finish cleaning my room
-interact with my family more
-find someone that will stop my heart from beating so fast and my mind from racing
-finish the fountainhead
-tell everyone how great the new city of caterpillar is
-destroy tradition and replace non-descript "hims" with "hers" (A human must accept
his her lot in life).
This is an experiment. I want everyone to participate. List 10 things that make you happy. Do not view it through cultural values but rather your sensations and reactions. If you comment on only one journal entry, please let it be this one. I want everyone to see it. This in no way has to be a list of importance, just list the first things that come to mind that make you truly happy. Do not worry about sounding cliche but also do not be held to cliches. Do not feel confined to 10 and don't feel the need to come up with 10 if you cannot. Please do not be afraid to participate.
1) Music (creation, consumption, dispersion)
2) Books / Zines (thought processes, mind expansion)
3) My cats. Sometimes I think we could learn so much from cats.
4) Nature. The smell, the visual, the peacefulness...
5) That moment when you forget everything that's troubling you, as if it has all fallen beneath your feet.
6) Friends / Family (increasing interaction and closeness)
7) Being accepted for who you are and not feeling the necessity to act one way or another to please anyone. Knowing that you are accepted as you are and are appreciated as you are.
8) Falling asleep to the ocean's waves pounding the beach.
9) Being able to be open with my friends, my friends being open with me.
10) Grass underneath my feet / body. Looking up through the trees....
Take care all.